Grey Karma
by Karma 123
Summary: Three years after her divorce, Ana Grey is finally ready to move forward with her life. She is happy and content. Nothing could have prepared her for the turn her life was about to take - or the person who would be there to pick up the pieces when the dust settles. E.L. James owns the Fifty Shades Trilogy, I'm just having fun.
1. Chapter 1

_**Author's note: I posted this story last year and it was taken down during one of the massive story thefts. I got caught up in life and frankly, wasn't feeling too warm and fuzzy towards fanfic after repeated attempts to contact the organization went unanswered. Now that I have a little more time on my hands, I decided to post again. The characters of FSOG belong to E.L. James, but the storyline and original characters are mine. **_

_**Yes, it's another cheating story (kind of)...but…it's more about two adults whose marriage fell apart after a major tragedy, who have a child together, acting in a mature manner that's in the best interest of their son. Ana won't be running away and they will remain a constant in each other's lives. There will be no Taylor, Sawyer, Grace or Kate acting as go-betweens and no one will be ostracized by Ray or the Greys. **_

_**You'll learn exactly what happened to get them to this point in the first few chapters and then we'll stay in the present day. This story takes place when Teddy is nearly five years old. They divorced when he was two. We'll see Ana's new life take a drastic turn that changes everything. Just to let everyone know, I'm not a Christian hater or an Ana hater, so no crazy accusations. Negative Nellies, feel free to take a pass on the story. If you don't like it, simple solution: don't read. Enjoy!**_

I thought that I had known misery before, but maybe I was wrong. The horrific early years with the crack whore, which proceeded to haunt me for the first twenty-seven years of my life, my teenage years at the beck and call of a pedophile who used me as her plaything and whipping post, the empty years spent working and releasing my frustrations on a meaningless sub, those five days without Ana when she left me after I beat her with a belt. Yes, looking back those times were all miserable, but nothing compares to what I'm feeling now. What makes this worse than all of those times is that during each of those periods, no matter their duration, I had never experienced true happiness so I had no idea what I was missing. Now, I've known euphoria, only to be brought back down to my own self-inflicted hell. There is nothing worse than this and it seems there is no way out.

It's been three years. Three. Fucking. Miserable. Years. Three years to the day since our divorce became final. How could I have been so fucking stupid? I guess I thought I could get away with it. She was never supposed to find out. Even once she did, I think I was in a state of denial. I thought we would work it out. I thought we would find a way to get through it. That we would always find a way. I was wrong. Dead wrong.

It's not that we didn't try. We did. I have to give Ana credit, she did try. We spent months going to counseling, but it wasn't enough. I was contrite, desperate really, willing to do anything to get my family back. In the end, that's probably what put the final nail in the coffin. Ana kept saying she needed time- time to process, time to forgive, time to figure out if she was willing to try again. True to form, I was impatient and determined to get my own way. I was also arrogant and overbearing. I kept pushing her to let me move back in, even to sleep in a guest room. I tried buying her forgiveness with expensive gifts, which of course, was never Ana's style. I tried seduction. Hell, I even used my own son as a bargaining chip. I tried every trick in the book and only succeeded in pushing her further away. I remember that conversation like it was yesterday. Then again, it's replayed in vivid Technicolor every night when I close my eyes.

"_Christian, I can't do this anymore. I can't breathe. I've begged you for space and you won't give it to me."_

"_Ana, I can't stay away from you. It's killing me not being with you and Teddy. The two of you are the only things that matter to me. You're everything to me. Can't you understand that?" Her reply is a bitter chuckle that chills me to the core. _

"_Is that so hard to believe, Anastasia? We've been in therapy for months. We've been apart for months. Our son deserves to have both of his parents. I thought you wanted that for him. I thought that was your priority." And then she backhanded me._

"_Don't you fucking dare, Christian Grey. Don't you dare try to make this about our son or about what I want for him. You have no fucking right. And yes, as a matter of fact, it is hard to believe that we are the only things that matter to you. That it's killing you not being with us. Where were you when we needed you? Where were you when I was mourning our baby? Where were you when Teddy wanted to know why there wasn't a baby in mommy's tummy anymore? Where were you when I left voicemails begging you to come home to me?"_

"_Ana…I" Her voice is barely a whisper, yet eerily calm and decisive. She's taking no prisoners._

"_No, don't. You don't get to do that now. You don't get to explain anymore. There is no excuse for what you did. You know exactly where you were and who you were with. And it certainly wasn't with the two people who supposedly are your everything. It disgusts me that you would stoop so low as to use our son to get your way. That's low Christian, even for you. _

_I am done. You've pushed me too far. I begged you to give me time and you just couldn't do that. You had to do this your way. Well, I've had enough. I've had enough Christian. I. Am. Done. I'm moving forward with the divorce. We'll have to figure out a way to co-parent, perhaps be friends one day, but our marriage is over." I can see the tears fill her eyes and I want to go and comfort her but I'm frozen to my spot. I can't move. Maybe if I stay still this will all be a dream, but it's not. She turns and walks toward the door. I can't take my eyes away, I can't move. What she says next shatters my heart._

"_I will always love you, Christian. I'm so sorry we can't make this work. We could have had it all." She smiles slightly and pulls the door open. "We did have it all – for a while. Be happy, Christian. I'm so sorry I wasn't enough."_

So here I sit, in my ivory tower overlooking Seattle, nursing a glass of bourbon as the world toasts the happy fucking couple. I guess it's what I deserve. Karma. What goes around comes around.


	2. Chapter 2

Three years. Three years since my marriage ended. It's a typical rainy day in London and today I welcome the gloom. Christian doesn't invade my thoughts as much as he used to, but on this day I always allow myself to reflect, to mourn. Dr. Fara says it's healthy. She reminds me that I need to acknowledge my feelings, not keep them bottled up inside. So today, I allow myself to give those feelings a voice, if only for a day.

As I think back, I wonder if the ending was always inevitable. My greatest fear was that I would never be enough and that was proven tenfold. Christian swore that wasn't true, but I saw it with my own eyes. I had given him everything, my heart, my body, my soul. My world began and ended with him and our family. I thought we were happy. No, I know we were happy.

Fatherhood had changed Christian in so many ways. It was as if Teddy was the missing link in both of our lives. We may have both been born into broken families, but Teddy made us whole. Our own family. Christian was amazing with Teddy from the moment he was born. He doted on our son and reveled in his role as a father. When I found out I was pregnant with our second child, there was no shock or fear as there had been with Teddy. This was something we both wanted. We were elated.

Christian was with me every step of the way, from buying a pregnancy test at the drugstore to fulfilling my late night cravings and holding my hair when I was sick. He was at every doctor appointment and asked more questions than I did. The pregnancy was much easier than with Teddy, probably due to the absence of deranged pedophiles and psychotic kidnappers from our lives. I was heading into my eighteenth week and everything seemed to be progressing on schedule. It was a Monday evening and I had my check up the following morning. Christian was in New York on business and due back later that night. Unfortunately, severe thunderstorms grounded all of the planes and it wouldn't be possible for him to leave until the following morning. He wanted me to move the appointment, but I assured him it would be fine. It was only a weigh in, measurement and heart rate check appointment that would likely take less than fifteen minutes. Little did I know that appointment would be the catalyst that would break our family.

Sawyer walked me into Dr. Greene's office and waited patiently as I checked in. At Christian's insistence, we were always the first appointment, so I was called back immediately. They weighed me, checked my blood pressure and collected a urine sample. Same as always. I sat on the exam table reading emails as I waited for Dr. Greene. When she came in we made small talk about a recent charity event we both attended and she measured me and said everything looked great. If only that had been true.

Moments later, she was trying to check the baby's heart rate. She was having trouble locating it and I immediately panicked. She told me to calm down, that the baby may be turned in a way that made it difficult to get a good read. She called a nurse to bring in the ultrasound machine. The moments following are still somewhat of a blur, though I will never forget the blood curdling scream that left my body when I heard...no heartbeat, so sorry, who can I call for you...and then darkness. Yes, that moment was the beginning of the end.


	3. Chapter 3

_**Author's Note: Thank you so much for all of the follows, favorites and reviews. I realize the chapters are short, but they will get longer once the past is dissected and we move solely into the present. Warning: This one is rough. **_

Every year this day seems to grow longer. How is that possible? How is it that three hundred and sixty four days a year I wish the day was longer so I could get more done, but this day, this God awful day I'd rather just forget or skip altogether, seems to go on forever? I wonder if this day holds any significance for Ana. Is it just another day for her or does she think about me...about what we lost...about what I destroyed? Of course the selfish part of me hopes that she at least thinks about me, about us, but the bigger part of me prays that she isn't going through anywhere near the same hell. She doesn't deserve this kind of pain, she never did. _Yet you certainly brought it to her in spades, you selfish prick._

I remember everything so clearly, it seems like it was only yesterday. The pain has lessened, but the void is still there, it will always be there. I've come to terms with that, but I don't think I'll ever be able to stop blaming myself. I still feel responsible for my son's death and I am most definitely responsible for the demise of my marriage. I shake my glass and as I stare at the ice cubes disappearing into the amber liquid, I think about the similarities to my life. It was beautiful and light, a clear vision of happiness that dissolved into darkness, never to see light again.

I knew the trip to New York was a bad idea and being grounded due to bad weather only reinforced that notion. I never should have gone. No merger or acquisition could possibly be worth more than what I lost that day. I hadn't missed a single doctor appointment with Ana's pregnancy. I was on cloud nine. Our family was growing and I couldn't wait to meet our new addition.

I had never loved Ana more. She and Teddy were my world. And the new baby was only going to add to that joy. Sadly, God had other plans. I was restless the entire flight home and I couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong. My instincts rarely fail me and that day was no exception. The minute we landed, my phone was filled with voice and text messages and when my father was waiting with Ryan in the airport hangar, I knew there was a problem, a big problem.

"Dad! What's wrong? Why are you here? Is mom okay?"

"Son, your mother is just fine. She's at the hospital...with Ana. We need to get there right away." In that moment, my world stopped. My vision blurred. Ana. Hospital. Nooooooo! It felt like my heart was beating out of my chest.

_"Dad, what's wrong with Ana? Did she have an accident? Is Teddy okay? Is the baby okay?" I could tell he had been crying and my father never cried. I immediately panicked and ordered him to tell me what was going on._

The moments that followed are still a blur. Our baby was gone. I remember charging into Ana's room and I will never forget the devastation and emptiness I saw in her eyes. I'm sure she saw the same look in my eyes. I wrapped her in my arms and rocked her as she cried. I couldn't let myself give into my emotions. I had to stay strong and in control for Ana. If only I had known not grieving, not giving into my own despair would ultimately be my undoing. It's taken me nearly two years to realize that and I'm only finally acknowledging it now.

Ana went through seven hours of labor to deliver our son. Aidan Carrick Grey, our little angel. He was five and a half inches long and weighed in at just over seven ounces, about the size of a bell pepper. We held him, took his miniature handprints and footprints and said a tearful goodbye. We promised we would never forget him and asked him to watch over us from above. It was surreal and I truly felt like it was all a dream, or rather, a terrible nightmare that I would wake up from. Sadly that was not the case, and I had no idea how to deal with it.

The following weeks proved to be even more of a challenge. Ana was a mess. She was hormonal, post partum and drowning in grief. I had no idea what to do for her or how to make it better. Thankfully, she had daily sessions with Flynn and regular visits with Reverend Walsh, but it seemed the only person who could provide any real comfort was Teddy. Instead of making my own appointments with Flynn, I threw myself into work and hoped that things would somehow get better.

I was convinced it was my fault. Dr. Greene and my mother told me repeatedly that there was nothing anyone could have done to prevent the miscarriage and while that may be true, I am convinced to this day that this was God's way of punishing me. I didn't deserve Ana or Teddy or the happiness we shared. This was his way of telling me not to get too comfortable. But why punish Ana, why take away our son? To this day, that question still lingers in my mind.

Ana tried to push me to see Flynn, to talk to her, but instead I pulled away from her when she needed me most. I didn't want to lose her, but I didn't want to face my grief either. That would come later, much later…after everything else that mattered was gone. I still remember so vividly the day everything changed. The day Veronica fucking Evans, aka submissive number thirteen walked back into my life. She was number thirteen and she became number sixteen, the only submissive to experience my custom designed dungeon of torture. There is no question that losing Aidan was what stared our horrific downfall, but Veronica Evans was the final nail in the coffin.


	4. Chapter 4

As I absentmindedly twirl the shimmering ring on my left ring finger, smiling as I think of Ian. However, my smile fades as I reflect on how much my life has changed over the last three years. Certainly some of those changes have been positive, but the road to a new happily ever after has been nothing short of hell on earth. There is no question that losing Aidan broke Christian and me, but instead of grieving together, we let our grief take us in different directions, which ultimately destroyed our marriage. I don't think I'll ever be able to say Aidan's name without releasing an involuntary sob and I'm sure it's much the same for Christian, if not worse.

With the help of doctors Flynn and Fara, I've finally accepted that losing him wasn't my fault, but it doesn't lessen the hole in my heart or the void in my family. I will never understand why God took away something so innocent and precious, but I have to believe he's an angel watching over us now, as that's the only thing that helps me go on. Although even now, I wonder how, if we had an angel on our side, did everything to hell when he left this earth? I've never been particularly religious, but I have always believed in God. Over that last three and a half years, there have been days he's been far from my favorite person and even days when I've questioned his existence at all. But in the end, I've truly come to believe everything happens for a reason and perhaps God decided we needed an angel in heaven more than here on earth. And as much as that breaks my heart, it also gives me a sense of peace, knowing that our little boy has a greater purpose.

I remember how surreal everything felt after we lost him. It was like living your worst nightmare all day, every day. I was afraid to go to sleep and even more afraid to wake up. Being awake made it all real. With the support of our family and friends, intensive therapy and mild anti-depressants, the fog began to lift. Unfortunately, that meant I had to face the grim reality of what our lives had become. Even more troubling was the fact that Christian was MIA most of the time and even when he was present, he was physically and emotionally distant.

Christian never really processed his grief. He brushed away all of my attempts to talk or go see Flynn together and let his demons and self-loathing take over. I saw the signs, but I failed to recognize just how bad things really were – until it was too late. I was too busy taking care of our son and trying to put myself back together. By the time I emerged from my cloud of grief and was able to function, Christian had already taken another path. Memories of that fateful night and the months of hell that followed still haunt me.

Christian had developed a pattern of leaving early in the morning and returning late at night. When I tried to make plans or push him to spend time at home, he always had some excuse. He wasn't cold, but there was a definite distance and uneasiness between us. The fact that we hadn't been intimate in months certainly wasn't lost on me either. Of course the first several weeks, my body was recovering, but then I still wasn't ready. Every time I tried to broach the subject, Christian reassured me that he was fine with waiting. I'm still not sure if that was true, and I guess I may never know for sure. By the time I decided I was ready, he was nowhere to be found. I tried setting up romantic dinners, early morning trysts, nothing worked; there was always an excuse. Finally, after nearly three weeks of this, the cat and mouse game was getting old. I was done. I needed answers and he was going to give them to me.

After I put Teddy to bed, and found Taylor at home and no Christian, I arranged for Mrs. Jones to stay with Teddy and essentially ordered Taylor to take me to my husband. As we made our way downtown, a feeling of impending doom fell over me. My chest tightened and my stomach plummeted. In that moment, I knew something was wrong, very wrong. I could feel it in ever fiber of my being. Needless to say, that was the night one of my worst fears became reality.

Veronica Evans. Submissive number thirteen and sixteen. To this day, that thought sends chills up my spine and makes me feel as though my heart is going to beat out of my chest. The night I discovered them together put us on an irreversible path of destruction. Then again, I can't blame her. It's not exactly her fault. Not really. She wasn't married. She didn't buy a secret property in downtown Seattle and convert it into a BDSM torture dungeon. No, my husband did that.

The man who promised to safeguard and hold dear and deep in his heart our union, to love me faithfully, forsaking all others, through the good times and the bad, in sickness and in health is ultimately the man who broke me. He promised to share in my joys and sorrows and comfort me in times of need. But he didn't. He couldn't. I know that now. We were both so consumed by our grief that we lost our way. I managed to find solace in Teddy, as well as a modicum of comfort in talking through my grief with Flynn and Reverend Welsh. He reverted to what he knew. Control. Pain. Pleasure. What he needed to cope was something I couldn't give him. I always feared the day when he realized I wasn't enough, but somehow the reality was far worse than the fears that lived dormant inside of me for all of those years.

There's no use dwelling in the past. We've moved on. I've moved on. With that thought, I wipe the tears from eyes and glance down at my ring once again. It's time to meet my fiancé and pick up my son. Life does go on.


	5. Chapter 5

The aged scotch burns in my throat. It's a welcomed distraction, one that helps to paralyze my thoughts, even if ever so brief. Unfortunately the reprieve doesn't last and it can't fill the void; nothing can. They say hindsight is 20/20. What I wouldn't give to have had such a benefit three years ago - before I destroyed my family, my life. The days and months after we lost Aidan are a blur. I was functioning, but that's about all. It was simply going through the motions, nothing more, nothing less. I was consumed by grief and blinded by my self- loathing. Of course, it took years of therapy to learn that and to finally process my grief. By that point I could only mourn the loss of my son, my marriage, my happily ever after.

I remember Ana begging me to see Flynn with her, to talk to her, but I couldn't. I was too afraid. I was afraid that she would see that it was all my fault that we lost him, that she would blame me, that she would leave me. In the end, my worst fears became reality, but not because Ana blamed me, she never did. In fact, she reassured me at every turn, even after everything, even after I destroyed our marriage and nearly destroyed her in the process. I lost everything because of my own stupidity and I'll never be able to forgive myself for that.

Veronica Evans. She is, of course, a beautiful woman, but she was an amazing submissive. One of the best I ever had. She wasn't clingy or crazy. She never wanted more. Our contract ended when she was promoted at work and could no longer guarantee her weekends would be free. It was an amicable parting and I never saw her again - until about a month after we lost Aidan.

GEH was working on a major rebranding campaign for an energy company we had just acquired. We had hired the best marketing firm available and it turned out they put Veronica in charge. To say I was shocked to see her in my conference room was an understatement. I never had any contact with my submissives after our contracts ended. That was part of the deal. Leila and Susannah had been unfortunate exceptions, but those were corrected soon enough. I could tell Veronica was uncomfortable too, but her presentation was top notch. She knew her stuff.

Following the meeting, she asked if she could have a word in private. I brought her into my office and she immediately apologized for her presence. She explained that she was assigned the project at the last minute and couldn't get out of it. She told me she would understand if I requested a replacement. I asked her if it would be a problem for her and she assured me it would not, so I decided to keep her on. I offered her coffee and we talked about the project a little more and then I asked her if she was still in the lifestyle. She said she was, but work travel and commitments kept her from having a regular Dom, so she mostly just visited clubs when she had the time and need. That put the wheels in motion for me to make the biggest mistake of my life.

Ana was getting better both physically and mentally and soon enough, Dr. Greene signed off on her physical recovery and cleared her to resume all regular activities. What should have brought us closer only tore us further apart. It's not that I didn't want her, I did, desperately, but I was terrified. Terrified of hurting her, terrified of another loss. Terrified to even broach the subject of birth control and terrified to think that we could lose even more than we already had. How could we try for another baby? That felt like we would be trying to replace Aidan, wouldn't it? And if we prevented another pregnancy, what did that say? That he was never wanted? I had never felt so confused and out of control. I hated that I was hurting Ana when she had already suffered so much. I was desperate to find a way forward.

The need for control consumed my thoughts. In my mind, revisiting my dark past was the way to ultimately move forward, to move past everything and get our life back. Get our family back. I wanted to be the husband and father my wife and son deserved, but I couldn't seem to get there on my own. I knew I couldn't bring a sub to Escala, not after Ana. It was our place now, and I couldn't taint those memories, so I came up with a new plan. I bought a building and built a true torture dungeon. It was not a place for pleasure. It was the place where I hoped to exorcise all of my dark demons and regain control.

I contacted Veronica and we signed a contract making her submissive number sixteen. It was supposed to help. Ana was never supposed to find out. And there's hindsight again. It didn't help anything. It destroyed my entire world and now it's too late. I take another large drink and hit the play button again just to continue to torture myself. I see Ana taking the stage in a gorgeous ivory and blue wedding gown, that matches her eyes to perfection. She's breathtaking. She's smiling, but I know her well. I can tell she is nervous, perhaps even scared. I chuckle to myself knowing Ana has never been a fan of the limelight. She was probably terrified.

As always, she manages to recover and smiles brightly as she walks the catwalk. The spotlight changes and it's now on my young son, wearing a tuxedo and holding a small satin pillow. I can see the surprise in Ana's eyes and then fucking Ian Von Holt gets down on one knee and removes the ring from the pillow - asking her to be his wife, for all the world to see. I hurl the monitor cross the room, satisfied as the glass shatters on impact, much like what's left of my heart.


	6. Chapter 6

_**A/N: You guys are going to hate me for leaving this where I did, but I tried it a couple of ways and the next chapter (the big discovery) is better from Christian's POV. Sorry. I'll try to get it out as soon as possible. I also want to clear up a couple of things from reviews and PMs. Ana is not married yet, she just got engaged to Ian. We'll learn more about Ian and the engagement in the coming chapters. We'll stay in flashback mode for a few more chapters (which will continue to switch POV) and then we'll get to the present day and real time dialogue, etc., as a certain Grey makes his way to London for a wedding.**_

**Present Day**

London traffic is always heavy, but London traffic during a Tube strike is nothing short of a nightmare. It's going to be a while before we get home. Thank goodness for James, my trusted driver and security. With Luke Sawyer now having a young family of his own, he understandably did not want to move to London with Teddy and me. He still covers me when I am in the states, but James handles things here. Ryan is still assigned to Teddy and travels with us wherever we go. Christian personally selected James and he's been a great fit for us, even if he is a bit more formal than I would like. With a heavy sigh, I close my eyes and lean back into my seat, once again lost in my thoughts.

**Three and a half years ago**

_Today has been a good day. I've managed to get some work done in my home office and play in the indoor pool with Teddy after a very serious game of hide and seek in the yard with Gail and Ryan. It was, dare I say, almost normal. Almost. My hand still instinctively rests on my abdomen, but there is no longer a baby there to comfort and protect. My heart aches for my lost son, but my mind knows I need to focus on Teddy, on the here and now. So that's what I will do. And tonight, I intend to force Christian to talk to me. We will find our way forward together. I told him once years ago that we would always find a way and we will. Always._

_It's not unusual these days for Christian to work late, in fact, it's become the norm more often than not. I hope once we talk tonight that will start to change. I hope we can draw strength from each other and stop walking on eggshells. It's time for us to heal. After giving Teddy his dinner and a lengthy bath, I read him a story and tuck him in for the night. As I make my way downstairs, I'm surprised to find Jason in the kitchen with Gail and even more surprised that Christian is nowhere in sight. Something isn't right, I can feel it._

"_Jason, hello. Where's Christian?" Even I can hear the panic in my voice. A sense of dread looming over me._

"_Hello, Ana. Christian had to stay downtown. He said he would be late." He's uncomfortable. I can tell._

"_Why aren't you with him, Jason?" He hesitates for a moment and swallows, looking first at Gail and then meeting my stare._

"_Reynolds is with him, Mrs. Grey." I'm never Mrs. Grey anymore. We stopped that long ago, what isn't he telling me?_

"_Where is my husband, Jason?"_

"_I'm not exactly sure."_

"_What in the hell does that mean, Jason? You're his head of security. His fucking shadow. Where is he?" I'm raising my voice and fighting the tears lodged in my throat. Where is he?_

"_Ana, please calm down. He's fine." Gail walks towards me and wraps me in her arms. _

"_He's far from fine, and we all know that. Where is he?"_

"_He bought a property on 4__th__ Street several weeks ago. I know he's been having some work done there and they Reynolds has accepted some deliveries for him the last couple of weeks. He hasn't talked to me about it and when I've asked, he's been quick to change the subject. I've learned not to push him, especially these last few weeks, so I let it go. I was planning to go there tomorrow and check it out for myself." Check it out for himself? So he knows there's something wrong too. What have you done, Christian?_

"_Is he there now?"_

"_I'm assuming so, but I'd have to track him to be sure."_

"_Do it."_

"_Ana, I'm sure it's nothing."_

"_I said do it, Jason." He nods and leaves the room as I break down in Gail's arms. He returns quickly and his expression is grim._

"_It shows that he's a the 4__th__ Street location. I've tried calling and he isn't picking up. Reynolds secured the building and was told to wait in the garage for Mr. Grey. He said he would be a couple of hours." _

"_Let me get my coat and bag. I want you to bring me to my husband."_

"_Ana…"_

"_Jason, I need to see him. I had already made up my mind that we were going to talk tonight. It's time to clear the air and it's obviously time for me to know what's on 4__th__ Street keeping my husband away from his family."_

_To say the drive into town was tense would be an understatement. We both knew something was wrong, but had no idea what exactly we were about to walk into. I think in my heart I may have had some idea, but I was afraid to give voice to those fears. Even so, the reality was far worse than anything my mind could have conjured up. We pulled into the parking garage and Taylor pulled into a spot next to Christian's SUV where Reynolds was waiting looking nervous, very nervous. Taylor climbed out to speak to him and I nearly had a panic attack when I looked to my right. Two spots away was a shiny new Audi A3, also known as the submissive special. Somehow I found the strength to get out of the car, Taylor right behind me. I can still here him telling me to wait, that I shouldn't go up, but I was on autopilot. It was almost an out of body experience as I made my way to the elevator that would deliver straight to hell._


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: _This is the chapter most of you have been waiting for. I hope it lives up to your expectations. I also wanted to once again clear up a few misconceptions, which will be obvious later, but are causing a few of you discomfort right now. Ana did not run away to London. She splits her time between London and Seattle and you'll learn more about that soon. As I said in the first author's note…no one runs away in this story and there is no one acting as a go-between. Christian and Ana talk to each other and have forged a friendship for their son and each other. They're in a bit of an awkward spot right now because Ana just got engaged, which is testing their "friendship" and Christian's psyche. ;-) Any questions, please feel free to send a PM and I'll do my best to get back to you ASAP._**

**Listen to: Imaginary and Tourniquet by Evanescence**

I stare at my study now in a state of ruin and realize just how effectively it mirrors my life these days. A state of ruin. Shattered. Destroyed. A hell of my own creation. I scroll through the playlist on my phone and put Tourniquet by Evanescence on repeat. The lyrics are chillingly fitting for my state, appropriately dark and twisted, just like me. "I tried to kill my pain…but only brought more…so much more. I lay dying." And that's exactly how it feels, like I'm dying and I've no one to blame but myself. I sometimes wonder if the pain will ever end. Then I realize it's what I deserve. After all, I brought it all on myself. There have been times I've considered ending it all and then I realized that would make me no better than the crack whore and I won't do that to my son. He doesn't deserve that.

I've spent the last three years desperately trying to become the man that Ana and my son deserve. I wanted to right my wrongs and get my family back. But more than that, I wanted to deserve to have them in my life this time around. I dedicated countless hours to therapy in order to confront my demons, conquer my fears and overcome my insecurities. All of this time, money and energy exhausted and for what? To watch Ian Von Holt walk away with the prize. _Maybe if you had let Ana in on what you were doing you wouldn't be in this mess, asshole. _ I know now that I probably should have told her what I was doing, but I didn't want to hurt her anymore than I already had. What if it didn't work? What if I couldn't become the man she and Teddy deserved? After all, she'd still be here if I hadn't thrown our life together away all for a few hours beating a sub in a fucking dungeon on Fourth Street. I still get chills when I think of that night. The night I destroyed everything that mattered in my life.

_Three and a half years ago_  
As Reynolds pulls into the parking garage, my nerves soar. My senses are heightened and I find myself once again questioning if this is the right thing to do. _Since when do you have a conscience, Grey?_ All I know for sure these days is that something has to give. I can't continue like this. I'm barely functioning at work and all but useless at home. I've got to rein in my emotions and take control of my life once again and this is the only way I know how to do that.

My heart races as I see the Audi A3 pulling in beside us – and not in a good way. It's surprisingly unsettling to see Veronica stepping out of her new car and I instantly realize what we are about to do here is wrong, toxic even and has the potential to do far more harm than good. I almost lose my nerve to see it through. Almost. I close my eyes and will my subconscious to silence the voice in my head expressing doubts. I've spent two weeks planning this out and I need to see it through. Veronica glances at the SUV and gives a quick nod to Reynolds and brings her gaze down as she makes her way into the building and down to the dungeon.

I quickly follow suit and order Reynolds to wait for me in the SUV with the expectation that it will likely be a couple of hours. Heading down the elevator, an impending sense of doom falls upon me, but I brush it off and make my way to the bedroom to change. I take off my clothes and slip on a pair of worn denim jeans. Heading into the bathroom, I splash my face with cold water and run my hands through my hair. Unwilling to give into my doubts, I make my way to the dungeon.

This room is nothing like my playroom at Escala. It's much darker, in every way. It has black hardwood floors, black tiled walls and very little light. There is no bed. There are multiple racks of punishment tools, a St. Andrews cross, a spanking bench, a carabiner and a wooden horse. This room isn't meant to be for pleasure. That's not what this is about.

Like a good little sub, Veronica is kneeling by the door. Her hair is pulled into a tight braid and she is stark naked. Ignoring her, I take a deep breath and make my way over to far wall. I select my implements of choice: a beaded flogger, a round leather paddle and a 10 mm rattan cane with a braided handle, along with a blindfold and suede edged ball gag. I set the music to play Lucifer's Hymn by Peter Gundry and make my way across the room to Veronica.

This doesn't feel right. Seeing her like this, it feels wrong. It feels too…intimate. She's not Ana. She's not my wife. _What in the fuck am I doing?_ No, I have to do this. I have to get control. Making my decision, I tug her by her braid and give a simple command.

"Stand." She is quick to comply and keeps her eyes downcast.

"Lean over the bench." Again she willingly complies.

"I'm going to blindfold you and gag you, Miss Evans. You will be suspended, so you will have to tap your legs if you are reaching your limits. Do you understand."

"Yes."

"Yes, what?"

"Yes, sir."

"That's better, but you just earned your first punishment."

"Yes, sir."

"Was that your intention?"

"Yes, sir."

Unwilling to give her a reaction, I quickly blindfold and test the gag before removing it to go over her signals as I lead her to the suspension cuffs.

"Miss Evans, you if you are close to your limits, you will curl one leg back. If you reach your limits, you will curl both legs back, do you understand?"

"I understand."

SMACK.

"Try again, Ms. Evans."

"I understand, Sir."

"Very well, I'm going to gag you now."

"Yes, Sir."

I take a moment to swing the cane. It feels good. It feels like I'm finally in control. I take a few moments warming up with the flogger before moving onto the paddle. After ten satisfying smacks, it's time for the cane. Veronica is dripping of sweat and her own juices. Clearly she is enjoying this. We are both getting something we need out of this arrangement.

"Ms. Evans, it's time for the cane. I want you to curl one leg back if you are ready and two if you are not. When you want more, curl one leg back again. Curl your leg and show me if you are ready." She quickly curls one leg back and frantically taps it against the back of her thigh, silently begging for more, which I am more than willing to give her.

One smack of the cane and I feel heady sense of satisfaction. After two it's intoxicating, satisfying. By five, I'm back. I'm in control. I'm aroused. No, this isn't supposed to be arousing. That's not part of the deal. I pause to wipe a bead of sweat from my brow and something catches my eye. My wedding band. I look down at the bulge in my pants and turn back to look at Veronica. All traces of the control I felt moments ago have vanished. What in the fuck have I done? I have to get out of here. I feel like the walls are closing in on me.

"Ms. Evans, I'm going to release you now." As I turn to unstrap her, the door flies open and I'm met with the shocked and broken-hearted stare of my wife. I quickly move towards her.

"Ana, baby, please. It's not what you think." She takes me in from head to toe, pausing on my still present erection, and before I can process what's happening, I'm met with a resounding slap across the face that causes me to falter a bit.

"You sick son of a bitch. I gave you everything. EVERYTHING. Everything I have, I gave to you and while I'm at home taking care of one son and mourning another, you're here getting your kicks off by beating and fucking some submissive whore! You fucking bastard!" She's sobbing now and backing away from me as her eyes take in everything in the room. I try to make my way to her, but my feet are frozen to the spot. I can barely breathe, I think I might be having a heart attack. No, this can't be real. Tell me this is a nightmare I'm going to wake up from. I finally make my way over to her and as I reach out to touch her, she shoves me to the ground. Her nostrils are flaring and her teeth are clenched as she screams at me.

"Don't touch me. Don't you ever fucking touch me again. We are done. Over. I hate you. You can stay here with your whore," she spats as she shoots a disgusted look towards Veronica's suspended form, "but don't you dare come near me or my son. Goodbye, Mr. Grey." She pulls her wedding and engagement rings off her finger and hurls them at my eye as she walks out the door.

It's only then that I notice Taylor has been a silent witness to this confrontation. He shoots me a look of disdain and slams the door in my face, as he ushers Ana out of the basement. I'm not sure how much time has passed as I stand in a state of shock, clutching my eye and my wife's rings. It's not until I hear a smacking of skin that I remember Veronica is still in the room, blindfolded, gagged and suspended. I quickly release her and tell her this was all a terrible mistake. A terrible mistake has undoubtedly ruined my life.


	8. Chapter 8

_**A/N: If anyone is still reading, thank you from the bottom of my heart. I'm sorry for abandoning you and this story, but real life has been brutal and will always come first. I'll be honest, I had to read back a bit to remember where we were in the story, but hopefully this will answer a few more questions. Please forgive any errors. I am heading out of town and wanted to post this before leaving. Proofing is not my strong suit.**_

**Ana – Present Day**

As I rub my temples desperately trying to ward off the migraine I know is coming, I can't help but think about how much my life has changed since that fateful day. I never thought I could love another man. In truth, I never thought I would ever have a reason to. I had a man that I loved so completely, a man that I willingly gave my heart, body and soul. Christian was my first everything. He was my first boyfriend, my first love, my first lover, but he was also my best friend, my confidante, my most trusted advisor and, of course, the father of my sons. Ultimately the man who made me a woman in every way is also the man who damn near destroyed me. Coming back from that darkness isn't something I think of often these days, but it's made me who I am, and for perhaps the first time in my life, I'm very proud of that person.

It's hard to believe that I've been in London for nearly two and a half years. Of course, Teddy and I still spend a great deal of time in Seattle, but London has become home to us too and now it looks like it will become our permanent home base. When I first came here, it was intended to be temporary, but it soon became apparent that getting things in order would be a long-term process. Just before our second wedding anniversary, Christian came to me with a business opportunity for Grey Publishing. There was a well-respected London based publishing house that was looking to sell. Christian had just completed a merger that expanded the GEH presence in Europe and would need to spend more time abroad. He thought this would give us an opportunity to travel together as a family without me feeling like I was leaving GP behind. It was a no-brainer and I jumped at the opportunity.

Things went well until our chief operating officer died in a skiing accident while on holiday. Unfortunately, his second in command was on medical leave while undergoing treatment for cancer. She died just two months after I arrived in London. With no one able to step in, I had to fill the void. In all honesty, it was a very welcome change of pace and scenery. Christian was the one who convinced me to come here. Of course, at the time, no one suspected it would become permanent.

Ever the control freak, he insisted on accompanying Teddy and I here to find a home in the city so that we weren't stuck in a hotel. When I tried to protest, he insisted it would be a good investment and he could even use it when he we in London on business. It also allowed him to stay with us, which was good for Teddy. My London paradise is a four-story mini mansion located in Hamilton Terrace, just down the street from a house that Thomas Hardy rented in 1893. It has a beautiful garden, plenty of space for Teddy to play indoors or out, and an indoor pool, which is very convenient given London's rainy climate. I quickly acclimated to the climate and the neighborhood and became fast friends with my neighbor and future sister-in-law, Juliette Von Holt, an up and coming fashion designer of couture evening and bridal wear.

The Von Holt family is part of the European aristocracy, with ties to both British and Swedish royalty. Despite our differences in upbringing, Juliette and I instantly clicked and she became a regular fixture at our house. It wasn't long before I was introduced to her older brother Ian, a successful Hedge fund manager, who was best known as an international playboy. While Ian is gorgeous, I can't say that it was love at first site. I wasn't ready then. Who am I kidding? I'm not entirely sure I'm ready now, yet I can't help but smile as I think of how far we've come in a relatively short time. My smile is replaced by a frown as I once again think of how we got here in the first place. _Don't do that Ana, don't you dare feel guilty about finding a shred of happiness again. You deserve to be happy. _

I look out the window and realize we've barely moved in this traffic. It's going to be a very long ride home. I can feel the darkness seep in as I try desperately to escape the day, but it's useless. I shift in my seat, unable to settle. My mind is on overdrive as I think about how everything has changed, about what the future holds. As bright as the present and future may seem, my thoughts are focused on the darkness of the past. A past I'm not sure I'll ever truly escape. I used to think I wouldn't be able to survive if I ever lost Christian. I was so sure that would be the worst thing that could ever happen to me. How wrong I was. Now that I'm a mother and a mother who has lost a child, I know that there is nothing worse. Yet, here I am. I am a survivor and life does go on. Unfortunately, you can't escape the pain and it's not something you can ever get over. You can only push it to the back of your mind. I know now that I will never truly be over losing Aidan – or Christian.

_**Three and a half years ago**_

My steps falter and I thank God that Taylor is there to keep me from falling. He holds onto me tightly as we make our way to the elevator and out of this hell. I barely make it to the parking garage before I am emptying the contents of my stomach all over the concrete floor. Taylor continues to hold me and wipes my face with his ever-present cotton handkerchief. The site of that handkerchief brings me to my knees as I give into the sobs trying to break free from by body. I know Taylor is talking, but I can't make out what he is saying until he turns his body so he is in front of me holding my face and tilting my chin upward, bringing my eyes up to meet his.

"Mrs. Grey, Ana, we need to get you home. I'm going to carry you to the car and take you home now, okay?" His voice is so kind and he's talking slowly, much like he's talking to a child. That makes me cry even harder as he lifts me and carefully places me into the SUV. He straps me in and passes me a fresh handkerchief. As he pulls out of the parking space, I hear a door slam. It snaps me out of my trance and I turn around to see my husband on his knees calling out my name. And then I see his whore make her way to the shiny read Audi A3 and I know for certain that I was never enough.


	9. Chapter 9

_**This is not beta'd and I'm terrible at proofing my own work, but wanted to get this out. Thanks to all who have checked in. More to come soon.**_

As I take stock of the destruction I've inflicted on my study, I close my eyes and curse the day Ian Von Holt took away my life. _Really? You're blaming Von Holt? I think you know it was you who destroyed your life long before Ian Von Holt came into the picture_. I remember the day vividly, it was just over a year ago when I found out that Ana was dating Von Holt. Ana was in London, preparing for finals week and I had just returned from a visit, bringing Teddy back to Seattle with me so that Ana could focus more on her studies. She was to return to Seattle the following week. I had been quizzing her non-stop for days in preparation for her econ final and kept telling her she needed a break. Of course, Ana being Ana, fought me non-stop insisting she needed to study, spend time with Teddy before we left and take care of some issues with Grey Publishing. She was running on empty and I was worried about her. I was relieved when I got a briefing from security that she was going out for dinner. She needed a respite from work, studying and missing Teddy.

I assumed she was going to dinner with her good friend and neighbor, Juliette, as she often did when I had Teddy with me. I was wrong. I found out later that she was out on a date with Juliette's older brother, Ian. Ian was a very successful businessman, but that was about the only thing respectable about him. He was one of those pretty trust fund babies, turned frat boy, turned playboy. He fucked just about anything in a skirt and had no problem having it splashed across the tabloids. Not that I have much room to talk, but at least I was discreet. And besides, all of my screwing around ended the day I meet Ana. I scrub my face with my hand as I shake my head. _That isn't true, is it Grey? If it were, you wouldn't be sitting here with your life – and study - in a state of ruin would you? You did this to yourself you selfish prick!_

How did I let this happen? I practically wrapped her up and gave her to Von Holt. Why didn't I tell her how much I still loved her? That I would always love her? Why didn't I tell her I wasn't going to stop fighting for us…that I could be the man she deserved? I'm tortured every day by the what-ifs. What if I hadn't signed the divorce papers? What if I had listened to Ana, my parents, Elliott and Mia – even Taylor when they all encouraged – no- _begged_ me to see Flynn when we lost Aidan? I was so caught up in blaming myself for us losing him, I was certain Flynn would only confirm it and I couldn't live with that. Of course that isn't what happened, but even it was, I'm not sure it would be worse that the hell I'm living in now. And of course, the biggest what-if of all: What if I hadn't entered that damn contract with Veronica Evans? That one will haunt me to the day I die and every time I close my eyes I have to fight away the image of my broken Ana driving away from me and knowing I have no one to blame but myself.

_**Three and a half years ago**_

I'm not sure how much time passes before I am able to gather my wits and release Veronica. My eye is throbbing and I'm clutching Ana rings in my fist, holding onto them for dear life and praying that somehow this isn't the really the end of my marriage. What in the fuck was I thinking? How did I let this happen? I'm torn from my thoughts as I hear the bathroom door close and realize it must be Veronica going in there to change. Good. She needs to get the fuck out of her. I've got to go after Ana. I need to make her understand why I did this. I need to make this right. I know the elevator will take too long, so I rush to the stairs taking them two at a time, as I make my way to the garage. As I open the door, I can hear the tires squeal against the floor. The Audi brakes and I run towards it. Ana turns around, but the tinted windows prevent me from seeing her face. Taylor speeds away carrying my heartbroken wife and I fall to my knees knowing this time, I'm the one who broke her.

I vaguely register the distinct sound of heals clicking against the concrete, but I can't bear to tear my eyes away from the direction of the Audi. I'm startled when I feel a hand on my bare should and shoot up from the ground ready to pounce. I crave Ana and Teddy's touch and I am now comfortable with brief hugs from my family, but I still react when someone else touches me. I quickly push the person away and prepare to defend myself. Seeing who it was makes everything that much worse.

"What in the fuck are you doing Veronica?" At least she has the sense to look contrite. She bows her head and doesn't look at me. Somehow that makes me feel even more sick.

"I asked you a fucking question, Ms. Evans. I'm not a patient man and I know damn well I already told you to get out of my building."

"I'm sorry, sir. I just thought with your wife gone you might want to resume our session."

"Are you fucking kidding me? This was the biggest mistake of my life. Stay the fuck away from me and don't forget your NDA. If you fail to honor it, I. WILL. DESTROY. YOU. No get out." She looks up to me and smirks and it's fucking Leila all over again. What was I thinking? How could I have thought this might help? She straightens her posture, flips her hair back and gives me a huge smile.

"Very well, Mr. Grey. I think we both know you know how to find me when you change your mind." With that she saunters into her red Audi A3 and drives away.

I close my eyes willing all of this to be a bad nightmare, but I'm brought back to reality as the garage lights reflect off of the diamond in my hand. The diamond I put on my wife's finger when I asked her to marry me and swore she would always be enough. I close my fist again and the diamond clanks against Ana's platinum and diamond wedding band. The wedding band I slipped beside on her finger as I vowed to be faithful. I feel like I might suffocate. I let out a feral scream as I punch the wall. My knuckles crack against the concrete and I watch with morbid satisfaction as blood runs down the crisp white wall. How am I ever going to make this right? I have to get home. I have to make this up to Ana. Realizing I don't have a car, I quickly run inside to put my shirt on and call Reynolds to come and get me as I try to come up with a plan to get my wife to forgive me.

_**Thanks to those of you are still reading and welcome to any new readers. You are so appreciated and I'll do my update soon. **_


	10. Chapter 10

_**You are definitely a tough crowd to please. "Please update, too short, write longer chapters, don't wait so long between updates, is this a HEA and my favorite, grow up silly child." Not sure what that meant and whether it was directed at me or Christian. **_

_**I'm doing my best with updates, but please remember this is a hobby. A hobby by definition is an activity or interest pursued for pleasure or relaxation and not as a main occupation. **_

_**How many of you have hobbies that you have little or no time for because your job that pays you and your family, friends, etc. occupy your time? It's hard right now to find time to write, but I have this story planned and I hope to do better with updating, but please remember this is free entertainment for you all. I also had a reader who suggested I write out the entire story and then post. While this might have been a great idea before I started posting, that ship has sailed and to be honest, I enjoy reader feedback. Will it make me change my story? Probably not, but it may make me approach things differently or address a topic that I didn't feel warranted addressing. I would also point out that you do have the choice to wait to read until it is complete, should you wish to do so.**_

_**Finally, the chapters will get longer once we are finished with the flashbacks. It seemed like a really great idea to alternate POV's and do flashbacks for each chapter when I started, but it's hard to do without being repetitive. Lesson learned…but again, that ship has sailed, so I'll continue that way until we reach the present day. **_

_**Enjoy and thanks so much for sticking with this and I do appreciate all of the feedback. I thought it might be helpful to see where I am coming from. Hopefully this will be the last of the long author's notes.**_

Mistakes are mine…and it all belongs to E.L. James

The end of my marriage was akin to losing pieces, no not pieces, pieces seems to small and insignificant; it was more like losing large chunks of my heart and soul. In the years since I had met and married Christian, I had no doubt lost a part of myself, but what I gained was so much more. Christian, although still occasionally overbearing and intimidating, made me feel so safe and loved. His constant praise helped boost my confidence and self esteem to new heights; he always made me feel beautiful. And then everything went to hell.

After Hyde went to prison and Linc, Elena and Leila were out of our lives, I truly felt like we were invincible. We moved into the house on the Sound and it felt like we were living our happily ever after. When Teddy was born, we were on cloud nine with our own little family. When I found out I was pregnant with Aidan, it was the polar opposite of our experience with Teddy. Christian was over the moon with happiness. He would talk to my belly every night and when we found out it was another boy, he was ecstatic. He explained to me that while he would have loved a girl just as much, he couldn't help but be excited about the fact that Teddy and his brother would be able to have the kind of relationship he should have always had with Elliot. The relationship that Elena prevented him from having with his own brother. When we lost Aidan we all lost so much. So many lost dreams.

The move to London certainly helped me to gain my footing and find myself again. I was, and remain, Teddy's mommy, first and foremost, but I was still learning who Ana Grey, newly divorced CEO, was. What I quickly learned was that I was in over my head. In Seattle, I still had Roach and Christian to help with the business of things, to answer questions and help make important decisions. And while I most definitely learned a lot from both of them, once I was here, I realized that I relied on both of them entirely too much. I wanted to be successful, but most of all, I wanted to deserve that success. I needed to know that I could do it on my own. Of course, I had to figure out how to do it on my own while balancing being a single mother, acclimating to a new continent, setting up a new home and and navigating a new "friendship" with the man I thought was the love of my life.

To say that it wasn't easy would be the understatement of the year. Because the move to London was supposed to be temporary, Teddy and I were going back and forth to Seattle every few weeks or Christian was coming here. It was hard, but having a private jet certainly helped. The trips home were compromised a bit when I decided to go back to school. I knew that I needed a better understanding of the business side of publishing, so i figured since I had always turned to books for answers in the past, I should give it a shot this time as well. I took the GRE and the GMAT and started an executive MBA at the London School of Economics. I will finish my degree in just over a month and I am beyond proud of myself for seeing it through, especially considering everything else that was going on over the last two years.

While it will be me on that stage accepting my diploma, it wouldn't be possible without Christian and Ian. They have both helped me so much, whether it was tutoring me on economics or caring for Teddy, they have both been amazing. Christian was surprisingly supportive of me going back to school and has never hesitated to help in any way. The same is true of Ian, albeit separate from Christian. They have been forced together on many occasions, but generally steer clear of one another as much as possible. The funny thing is, under different circumstances, I think they might actually like each other.

There is no denying there are some striking similarities between Christian and Ian, but there are also stark differences. Both men are devastatingly handsome, had a privileged upbringing, are extremely successful in business and have expensive hobbies and toys, but that is where the similarities end. Whereas Christian often comes off as cold and aloof, Ian has truly never met a stranger and is always the life of the party. While Christian flies gliders and helicopters, Ian races boats and cars. Both men love the water; Christian likes to sail, to feel free and escape the chaos of life, where Ian likes to host parties on his yacht and race jets kids with friends. Ian actually reminds me a lot of Elliot; he's always happy and smiling and generally just lets things roll off his back. _Definitely the opposite of Christian in that regard._

_Stop comparing, Ana. You love Ian and he loves you. Stop. _A text alert pulls me from my thoughts. I smile when I see it's from Ian and laugh out loud at the accompanying picture. It's a selfie of Ian and Teddy, both wearing chef hats and covered in flour. It's adorable. _Where did he get those hats and what state is my kitchen going to be in when I get home_?

**Hey Love - dinner will be ready when you get home. After the little man is down for the count, I'd like to compare our calendars. I**

**Sounds great. Traffic is still at a crawl. See you both soon. What are we checking the calendars for? A**

**To set a wedding date, of course. I**

_Oh shit!_

Three and a half years ago

I don't even remember the drive home. The minute we pull up to the house, Gail and Sawyer are there to help me out of the car. They help me up the stairs and Gail starts a shower for me and offers me a cup of tea, asking if I need anything else. I ask her to get Taylor and he's upstairs almost instantaneously. The look on his face nearly breaks what's left of my heart. It's sorrow, regret, pity and remorse all mixed into one. Taylor has become like a surrogate uncle to me over the years and I know tonight had been devastating for him too. He starts to speak, but I raise my hand up to stop him.

"Taylor." I take a deep breath to try and halt the fresh wave of tears lodged in my throat and then blow my nose into one of the handkerchiefs that was still clutched in my hand before continuing.

"I know you didn't know, and I don't blame you. Not at all. I know that you work for Christian and that's where your loyalties lie, as they should..."

"Mrs. Grey, Ana. I would never..." I put my hand up once again to stop him.

"I know that, Jason. You don't have to say anything, but I do need your help."

"I'll do anything I can for you Ana."


	11. Chapter 11

_**Mistakes are mine. It all belongs to E.L. James.**_

I still can't believe she agreed to marry him. I guess I never thought it would get that far. I know she's known him for over two years and they've been dating for over a year, but I didn't think marriage was in their plans. Then again, how could it not be? I know firsthand just how irresistible Ana is. Her beauty, intelligence, kindness and strength are intoxicating. Ana always leaves you wanting more and once you've had her nothing else can compare. _And I've sure as hell tried_. I know Von Holt knows it too. Of course he wants to marry her, why wouldn't he? He can't take his eyes off of her. It's bad enough seeing them together, seeing her smiling at him, laughing at him...fucking him. That's another one of my newer nightmares. I wasn't sure I'd ever recover from the destructive path I embarked on after that visual.

Yet once again, it was Ana who saved me. How is it that a five foot seven brunette who weighs less than 120 ponds can wield so much power? Of course the answer is simple. Love. Ana is the only woman I've ever loved. She's the only woman I will ever love and she's the one that got away. No, that isn't true, she's the one I pushed away, threw away. I did this to myself, to Teddy, to our families, to us. I destroyed everything to give fucking sub a beating in a dark dungeon on 4th Street. Hell, at this point, I might as well be the one to walk Ana down the aisle to marry Von Holt because I'm the one that made it possible. I'm the one who gave her away.

_Three and a half years ago_

The minute Reynolds arrives I hurry into the car and begin formulating a plan. I call Flynn to schedule an appointment for the following morning, requesting a double session. My next order of business is instructing Andrea to cancel all of my appointments for the remainder of the week, citing a family emergency. Finally, I call my mother to see if she is available to take Teddy for the day. Of course, she is always more than willing to care for her grandson, especially since cutting back on both her time at her practice and shifts at the hospital. Unfortunately, she does question the reason for the last minute request. I try to remain evasive and keep my emotions in check, simply telling her that Ana and I need to work through some things alone. Thankfully she doesn't question me and agrees to come by in the morning to pick up Teddy for the day. Now I just need to get home and make this right with my wife. I can't lose her. I will make this right.

As we get closer to the house, my apprehension increases tenfold. I have no idea what state I will find Ana in and that scares the hell out of me. The look on her face in that room broke the heart I used to swear I didn't have, the one Ana brought to life. Closing my eyes, I take a deep breath and try to calm my nerves as I prepare to face Ana. I'm not a particularly spiritual man, but I take a moment to say a silent prayer and kiss Ana's rings, which are now residing on my left pinky finger, rubbing against my wedding band. Yet another reminder of my colossal mistake and what I stand to lose. _Don't think like that. Ana loves you. You won't lose her. _ As we approach the gate, I hear Reynolds curse and lean forward to see what the problem is. My heartbeat quickens and I am immediately on high alert.

"Reynolds, what's the problem?" _Please let my family be safe. _

"Sir, the gate appears to be on lockdown. I'm calling Taylor now." _What the fuck is happening? The gate is never on lockdown unless there's a threat. I'm about to bolt out of the car when Reynolds reminds me that safety protocol requires me to remain secured in the vehicle. No! This can't be happening_. I'm about to go thermonuclear when I see Taylor coming down the drive with Sawyer close behind. _Who in the fuck is with my family?_

I order Reynolds to let me out of the car as he rolls down the window to speak with Taylor. He unlocks the door and I barrel out. Before I can question Taylor, I'm met with a right hook straight to my jaw, knocking me to the ground. I find suddenly dizzy and momentarily unable to focus. As I begin to stand, Taylor grabs me by my shirt and pulls me to my feet. For the first time ever, I am scared shitless of my head of security. My words are frozen in my throat and I find myself unable to utter a sound. Taylor pulls me closer to him and gets in my face. His voice is just above a whisper, but his tone is full of menace.

"How could you do this to her you fucking piece of shit? I've watched that woman put up with your bullshit for years. YEARS! For years she has given you unconditional love, trust, a beautiful family and you threw it all away for some submissive whore. She has been crying herself to sleep every night. Every. Single. Night. For months. Crying for the son she lost and for the husband who abandoned her. I should have followed my gut and looked into what you were doing in that fucking building. Maybe then I could have just snapped your neck and saved Mrs. Grey a bit of the heartache she experienced tonight." His words cut me to the core. I feel sick. He lets go of me and unable to find my footing, I fall to the ground, barely managing to prop myself up against the tire of the SUV.

"Taylor...I...I...I made mistake, a terrible mistake."

"A mistake? You didn't make a mistake. You made a choice. A decision that will probably cost you everything you hold dear."

"Taylor, NO! I can't lose her. I can't." _ I feel sick. Please God, don't let her leave me_.

"Well Mr. Grey, I'm not sure you can fix things this time. You can't talk or buy yourself out of this one."

"How is she, Jason?"

"How is she? How in the hell do you think she is? She's barely survived these past few months and the fog was finally beginning to lift and she finds her husband - who should have been home with her and their son - in a god forsaken dungeon fucking around and caning a sub in downtown Seattle."

"I didn't fuck her." Now I'm getting pissed. Who in the fuck does he think he is?

"That's only because we got there before you could. We both saw that bulge in your pants, you son of a bitch." _That wasn't supposed to happen. Fuck!_

"I think you need to remember who signs your paycheck, Taylor."

"Then fire me, because I will not sit by and watch you further destroy that young woman." I know Taylor and Gail love Ana like their own family and that's where this is coming from. He's taking care of my wife. He's doing what I should have done.

"Taylor, I need to talk to her. I need to explain. I have to make this right."

"Not tonight, you don't. She doesn't want to see you and you need to give her space until she does. Don't fight me on this, Mr. Grey. Sawyer and I will do whatever is necessary to protect Mrs. Grey, even if it's from you. Reynolds will drive you to Escala for the night."

"Taylor, please. I have to see her. I have to make sure she is alright."

"Sir, that wasn't a request. Right now the only danger to Mrs. Grey is you. She's asked for space, I think we can both agree that you owe her that." He pulls me to my feet and opens the door to the SUV, gesturing for me to climb inside. What can I do but abide by her wishes? He's right. I owe her that. I climb in and close my eyes, once again sending a silent prayer, this time in the hopes that my marriage can be saved.


	12. Chapter 12

**All mistakes are mine, and I'm sure there are plenty. Sorry! I own nothing, just having fun with the characters created by E.L. James**

**Ana – Present Day**

I lean back against the seat once again and rub my hands across my face. Ian wants to set a date for our wedding. Tonight. He wants to set a wedding date on the anniversary of the day my marriage ended. I sigh in quiet contemplation as the car finally begins to move. How can I possibly deny him? It's simple, I can't. Of course, Ian doesn't know the significance of today's date. Why would he? In the grand scheme of things, it isn't really important when my marriage ended or even how it ended. The fact is that it's over and it has been for years. Yes, there will always be a part of my heart that belongs to Christian. He is, after all, my first love and the father of my children. There is no denying that and I'm done trying to forget it.

Christian and I share a very complicated past and he will always be an important part of my life, but Ian is my future. He's the man I've agreed to marry, the man who brought me back to life, the man that I love. And he loves me, and he loves Teddy. It's funny, I so often think about all the ways that I've grown and changed over the last three years, but Ian has changed and grown too. When I first met him, a little over two years ago, he was the epitome of a European playboy. Devastatingly handsome, successful, wealthy, and a different girl on his arm every weekend. He told Juliette and me that he was ready to change and grow up, but we laughed it off. We often joke that he couldn't resist the challenge of proving us wrong. True to his word, he spent more time growing his company and less time playing the field. He still dated, but he actually dated, not just bedded the women.

During the week, he spent most of his nights at Juliette's house, as the rest of their family is in Sweden. Juliette is an amazing friend and a brilliant designer, but she can't cook to save her life. Thank God for the Keurig, or I don't know if she'd be able to manage making herself a cup of coffee in the morning. As Juliette and I became closer, she'd drop by in the evenings and often stay for dinner and a much needed glass of wine. Soon, Ian started joining us and sometimes we would go Juliette's house and he would cook - even trying to teach Juliette. Eventually, he gave up on that one. I can't help but laugh as I remember his frustration and the subsequent sibling arguments that would erupt as a result.

Of course Teddy was usually a part of these dinners as well, unless he was in Seattle with Christian. We decided when I started school, that until Teddy was in kindergarten, we wouldn't go more than two weeks without him seeing his father. Either he would come here or Teddy and I would fly to Seattle. That worked out great until about a year ago, well really until that horrible day when Christian surprised me at home on a rainy Thursday afternoon. That was the day after I found how well he was doing. Better than ever were the exact words Kate used when she told me about Christian and how much he had changed. He had told his family everything. And I mean everything. He was finally on solid footing. He was better than ever emotionally. He was better without me.

That was the day I knew I had to move on as well. The following day I worked from home and Ian joined me for lunch while Teddy was at preschool. That was the first time we were intimate. It was also the day Christian walked in on us. Together. Naked. In bed. Things haven't been the same since and they've only gotten worse since Ian and I became engaged. Well, that has to end. How are we supposed to co-parent if we aren't talking? If I have to, I'll get on a plane to Seattle and force him to talk to me. I can't worry about that now. I'm from inally home and it's time to have dinner with my son and my fiancé. And then it's time to set a date.

**Three years and three months ago**

_It's been three months since I discovered Christian and his submissive whore in that basement dungeon. Three months of hell. We've tried therapy, at first with Flynn and then he referred us to another therapist, as he felt he was too close to both of us to remain objective. Dr. Owens has tried to help us, through both individual and couples sessions, but I just don't think I have it in me to continue. I don't think our problems can be fixed. I don't think our marriage can be fixed. _

_As Sawyer drives me home, I begin to relax a bit and look forward to a quiet dinner with my son, followed a long, hot bubble bath. That hope is destroyed when I see Christian's R8 in the garage. __What in the hell is he doing here?_

_"Luke, what is Christian doing here?"_

_"I'm not sure, Ana. I know that Taylor is still at Grey House doing payroll. It was my understanding that Ryan was covering Mr. Grey tonight. No one informed me that he would be here." __Of course they didn't. _

_I've begged him to give me space and yet he's there at every turn. He's constantly sending flowers and gifts, showing up here and at Grey Publishing. When he's away on business, he sends emails and even letters, begging for forgiveness and professing his undying love. What he doesn't seem to understand is that all of that means nothing to me. It's too little too late. He destroyed our marriage the moment he entered into a contract with Veronica Evans and began constructing his dungeon of horrors on Fourth Street. He certainly wasn't thinking about me, about our sons, his undying love - or his marriage vows when he did that. He was thinking about himself and his own selfish needs. _

_"Would you like me to call Taylor?"_

_"No thank you, Luke. This isn't Taylor's problem. I'll deal with Christian." He gives me a soft smile and a sympathetic nod, as he goes to open my door. I take a deep, cleansing breath and steel myself as if I'm preparing for battle, then again, maybe I am. _

_As I walk through the kitchen, I can hear Teddy squealing in laughter and it warms my heart. Teddy adores his father Andy having his attention, makes his little world a happy place. From the time that we lost Aidan and until the night I discovered him in that dungeon, Christian closed himself off to both of us and made choices that set us on a disastrous course. In the months since, he has worked hard to be a better father and save our marriage. No matter what happens with our marriage, I want him to continue to enjoy a close relationship with Teddy. It nearly destroyed me when my mother took me away from Ray when she married husband number three and I would never do that to my son. He deserves to have us both in his life and I will do whatever I have to do to make that happen. I smile as I watch Christian tickle Teddy and blow raspberries on his belly. No matter what happens to our marriage, we will always share our son and he has to come first. My warm and fuzzy feelings leave me, as I am spotted and Christian moves to greet me with a kiss. I manage to dodge the kiss and drop down to the floor, grabbing my son in a protective hug that also shields me from his father. I pepper Teddy's face with kisses, and his infectious giggle, makes me smile. _

_"Mama, you home!"_

_"Yes baby, I'm home."_

_"Daddy home too. Daddy play wif me." __Daddy might play with you, but daddy is most definitely not home, baby boy. _

_"Yes sweet boy, I see that daddy is here playing with you. Why don't we go wash your hands and see what Ms. Gail has for dinner?"_

_"Ms. Gaya cook spetti." Teddy has never been able to say Gail. So Gail has become Ms. Gaya to us as well, though I do still try to tech him to say Gail._

_"Ms. Gaya made spaghetti? That sounds yummy. Let's get our hands washed so we can eat, okay?"_

_"K, mama, daddy, let's go. Time to eat spetti." Well great, it looks like Christian will be joining us for dinner. He stares at me questioningly, but I can tell he wants to stay. I give him a silent nod and we all head off to wash our hands. _

_Dinner was only slightly awkward, with Teddy providing some much needed comic relief as he got more spaghetti on himself than in his mouth, while vehemently refusing our help because he's a big boy. We even gave him his bath together and took turns reading his bedtime stories. It felt almost normal. Almost. Any hopes of continuing peace were destroyed when I noticed the very large Louis Vuitton suitcase sitting in my bedroom. As soon as I turned to find my estranged husband, I'm encompassed in his arms and he is kissing me. __What the fuck?_

_It doesn't take me long to pull away. Christian looks shocked and hurt, but I'm sure I look murderous. _

_"What in the hell are you doing, Christian?" He moves closer and I jump back, much like a game of cat and mouse. It might be funny, if it weren't for the circumstances._

_"Ana, please. I need you, baby. I need you so much. Please don't continue shutting me out." Tell me he did not just say that. Is this some kind of a joke?_

_"Are you fucking kidding me right now? I'm shutting you out? I'm shutting YOU out? This has to be some kind of a joke..." The damn bursts and I can't hold back my tears. He tries to come closer to me and I instinctively back away before continuing. "This has to be a joke because I seem to remember begging you, begging you every damn day to talk to me, to talk to Flynn, to your parents, to anyone. And you shut us all out. I tried to seduce you. I tried everything to get you to open after we lost.." I have to cover my mouth as I still can't say his name outloud. "After we lost Aidan, I did everything to try to save us, to try to save our marriage." He tries to talk, but I hold my hand up and shake my head to stop him. It's my turn now. "And what were you doing during that time?" He bows his head and at least_ _has the decency to look contrite. "That's right, you were contracting a whore and or doing sex toys on the Internet for your custom built punishment dungeon!" I wipe my face, which is now thoroughly soaked with tears and collapse on the chaise by the window overlooking the Sound. As I look toward the water, I realize this has to stop. It has to end. I pull myself to my feet and turn to face my husband._

"_Christian, I can't do this anymore. I can't breathe. I've begged you for space and you won't give it to me."_

"_Ana, I can't stay away from you. It's killing me not being with you and Teddy. The two of you are the only things that matter to me. You're everything to me. Can't you understand that?" I chuckle bitterly and shake my head. If only that were true._

"_Is that so hard to believe, Anastasia? We've been in therapy for months. We've been apart for months. Our son deserves to have both of his parents. I thought you wanted that for him. I thought that was your priority." Unable to stop myself, I take my hand and smack him across the face with all the force I can muster._

"_Don't you fucking dare, Christian Grey. Don't you dare try to make this about our son or about what I want for him. You have no fucking right. And yes, as a matter of fact, it is hard to believe that we are the only things that matter to you. That it's killing you not being with us. Where were you when we needed you? Where were you when I was mourning our baby? Where were you when Teddy wanted to know why there wasn't a baby in mommy's tummy anymore? Where were you when I left voicemails begging you to come home to me?"_

"_Ana…I" His voice is desperate, begging, full of emotion and remorse._

"_No, don't. You don't get to do that now. You don't get to explain anymore. There is no excuse for what you did. You know exactly where you were and who you were with. And it certainly wasn't with the two people who supposedly are your everything. It disgusts me that you would stoop so low as to use our son to get your way. That's low Christian, even for you. _

_I am done. You've pushed me too far. I begged you to give me time and you just couldn't do that. You had to do this your way. Well, I've had enough. I've had enough Christian. I. Am. Done. I'm moving forward with the divorce. We'll have to figure out a way to co-parent, perhaps be friends one day, but our marriage is over." Tears once again fill my eyes and Christian appears to be frozen to his spot. I can't move. Maybe if I stay still this will all be a dream, but I know it's not. I turn around slowly and walk toward the door. I turn and look over my should at my husband, the man I love with all of my heart and say the words that I know with every fiber of my being to be true._

"_I will always love you, Christian. I'm so sorry we can't make this work. We could have had it all." I offer him a small smile and open the door. "We did have it all – for a while. Be happy, Christian. I'm so sorry I wasn't enough."_


	13. Chapter 13

_**Trigger warning: This chapter deals with the issue of suicide. **_

_**Errors are mine and I'm terrible at self-editing.**_

Christian

What in the hell was I thinking? That's the question that keeps coming to mind as I look across my study, which is now in a state of ruin. Shattered glass, broken chairs, scattered papers – and for what? What could this possibly help? This isn't me. Not anymore. I've spent three fucking years in intensive therapy to overcome my demons and become a better man. I am a better man and even if I've lost Ana to fucking Ian Von Holt, I still owe it to her and my son to be a better man, certainly better than this.

As I sit down on the leather sofa, the sole piece of furniture that I didn't turn upside down during my rant, I try to think of what to do next. I lean my head back as I rub my hands across my face, letting out a deep breath and staring aimlessly at the ceiling as I wonder if I'll ever be able to get past losing Ana. She's moving on, but I don't think I'll ever be able to do that. Maybe that's because I know things could have turned out so differently at so many turns. I all but destroyed Ana, yet she's always been there when I needed someone to help me pick up the pieces. Hell, I wouldn't be alive today if it weren't for Ana. I shudder even thinking about what might have happened if she hadn't come to Escala that day.

_Less than three years ago_

_It's been just over a month since our divorce became final and I feel like I'm in perpetual darkness. I can't go on like this. It's not worth it. I've got more money that I could spend in a dozen lifetimes, every material object I could ever want and none if it means a damn thing without her. I've destroyed everything. I don't want to live like this anymore. I don't want to live my life without her. I can't do this anymore. _

_With a determination that I haven't possessed since the day Ana said she was proceeding with the divorce, I go about the task of getting my affairs in order and assuring that Ana and Teddy, as well as my parents and siblings, will always be well cared for and that Grey Enterprise Holdings will continue to thrive without me at the helm. Ros is ready. She will ensure that the company continues it successful course, and I know she won't deter from my instructions, even once I'm gone. _

_Comforted by the fact that I've taken care of the business and financial matters, I sit down and begin to compose letters to all of the people that I've hurt. I know doing this will hurt them yet again, but at least this will be the last time. I'm not sure when I started crying, but I'm finding it hard to stop as I continue to pour my heart out to the people I love. The people who have always loved me and whom I've given nothing but grief in return._

_How can I possibly thank Grace for being the angel that took me in, who healed my physical wounds, only to be left dealing with the emotional ones that have never closed? How I can tell Carrick how much it meant to me that he gave me his name, taught me how to throw a ball and tried with everything he had to get close to me, only to have me continuously push him away? And Elliott, who protected me when kids made of me, put up with my asshole behavior and still stood by my side no matter what? Then there's Mia. For so long, she was the only person who could make me laugh and smile. She's brought such joy to my life ever since she was a baby. Teddy, my son. The son I said I didn't want. The perfect, beautiful, smart little boy that Ana gave to me. He is the essence of joy. He is perfection and he deserves so much better than me as his father. Finally, Ana. My Ana. She is the woman who brought me to life. God, did she make me happy. For the first time in my life, I felt light, normal, loved. _

_Ana gave her love unconditionally. She gave me her innocence and her trust and I did nothing but betray her at every turn. I tried to make her my sub. I beat her with a belt. I tried to get her to support my relationship with Elena. I shut her out when she refused to obey me. I marked her beautiful skin on our honeymoon. I tried to undermine her career. I ran out on her when she told me she was pregnant. I wasn't here when she lost Aiden. I broke my vows. Every one of them. I don't deserve her. I never did. She'll be better off without me. Everyone will be better off without me. I seal the envelope containing her letter and trace my finger across her name. Anastasia. A beautiful name for a beautiful girl._

_As I stare at the bottle of gin and the pills in my hand, I know this is the right thing to do. Go figure, for once in my life I do the right thing and it turns out to be ending it all. I just need to hear her voice one more time. Just one last time. I pull out my cell phone and press her speed dial. I smile as her beautiful face appears on the screen._

"_Hello." Her voice is soft, but somewhat cold. Of course, that's because she knows it's me. I'm certainly not her favorite person anymore. That's okay Grey, pretty soon you'll just be a distant memory. I swallow the sob that's lodged in my throat so that I can speak._

"_Ana…hello."_

"_Christian, are you alright? You sound upset, what's wrong?" Upset. Oh baby, I'm way past upset. I'm done._

"_I…I just. Look, I know you don't want to talk to me, but I just want you to know how very sorry I am for everything that I've put you through since we met. For all the pain and heartache I've caused." I can't control the sobs anymore. This is it. This is the last time I'll ever hear her voice and I need her to know._

"_Christian, stop, please. I know that you're sorry. You don't have to tell me anymore. Please don't do this to yourself."_

"_This is the last time, I promise. I just want you to know that you…you and Teddy are everything to me and I'm so sorry for destroying our family, for breaking my vows and your trust. I promise you I will never hurt you again."_

"_Christian, where are you? You're scaring me."_

"_Don't worry baby, I'll be fine. I'm right where I belong. I love you, Ana. Goodbye." _

Present Day

_Don't go back there Grey._ Don't go back to that God awful day. You've worked so hard to get better, don't destroy it now. Ana saved you that day and she'll always be there for you. Stop pushing her away. Surely they won't marry soon. His family will likely insist on a large wedding and a long engagement. That will give me time. _Time for what, Grey? She's already agreed to marry him. You need to man up and accept that fact that she's no longer yours._ While that's probably true, either way it's time for me to stop wallowing in the self-pity and loathing that has encompassed me for most of my life. I've worked so hard to overcome the darkness. I can't give into it now. I think it's time to find the light again. It's time for a trip across the pond.

_**Author's note: I promise in the next chapter we'll be out of the inner thoughts and into an interactive present day as Ana arrives home to Ian and Teddy. Thanks for reading. **_


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